Part III, Chapter XXI

Advices and Remedies against Evil Friendships

But what remedies must we take against this multitude of filthy loves, fondnesses, and impurities? As soon as you perceive the first approach of them, turn suddenly away, with an absolute horror and detestation, run to the cross of your Saviour, take the crown of thorns, and press it to your heart, so that the evil spirit may not come near it. Beware of coming to any kind of compromise with this enemy: do not say I will hearken to him, but will do nothing of what he shall say to me: I will lend him my ears, but will refuse him my heart. Oh, no! Philothea; for God’s sake, be resolute on these occasions: the heart and the ears correspond with each other; and, as it is impossible to stop a torrent that descends by the brow of a mountain, so is it hard to prevent the love which has entered in at the ear from falling suddenly down into the heart.

Alcmaeon pretended that goats breathe by the ears, but Aristotle denies it; as for myself I cannot decide the question; but I know that our heart breathes by the ear; and as it sends forth its own thoughts by the tongue, so it receives the thoughts of others by the ear. Let us, then, keep a diligent guard over our ears, that we may not inhale the corrupt air of filthy words, for otherwise our hearts will soon be infected. Hearken to no kind of propositions, under what pretext soever; in this case alone there is no danger of being rude and uncivil.

Remember that you have dedicated your heart to God, and that your love having been sacrificed to him, it would be a sacrilege to alienate the least part of it from him. Rather sacrifice it to him anew by a thousand resolutions and protestations; and, keeping yourself close within them, as a deer within its covert, call upon God, and he will help you, and take you under his protection, that you may live for him alone.

But if you are already entangled in the nets of filthy loves, good God! how difficult will it be to extricate yourself from them! Place yourself before the divine Majesty, acknowledge, in his presence, the excess of your misery, frailty, and vanity. Then, with the greatest effort of which your heart is capable, detest them; abjure the vain profession you have made of them; renounce all the promises received, and, with the most generous and absolute resolution, determine in your heart never to permit them to occupy the least thought for the remainder of your life.

An excellent remedy would be to withdraw yourself from the object; for as they that have been bitten by serpents cannot easily be cured in the presence of those who were before wounded by the same animal, so the person stung with love will hardly be cured of this passion as long as he is near the other who has been similarly wounded. Change of place contributes very much to allay the heat and pains of grief or love. The youth of whom St. Ambrose speaks, in his second book of Penance, having made a long journey, returned home altogether delivered from those fond loves he had formerly entertained, and so much changed that his foolish mistress meeting him, and saying, “Dost thou not know me? am I not the same that I was?” — “Yes,” answered he, “but I am no longer the same.” Absence has wrought in him this happy change. St. Austin also testifies that, to mitigate the grief he suffered for the death of his friend, he withdrew himself from Tagasta, the place in which his friend died, and went to Carthage.

But what must he do who cannot withdraw himself? Let him absolutely retrench all particular familiarity, all private conversation, amorous looks, smiles, and, in general, all sorts of communication and allurement, which may nourish this dangerous passion; if he must speak to the other party, let it be only to declare, with a bold, short, and serious protestation, the eternal divorce which he has sworn. I call upon every one who has fallen into these wretched snares: cut them,— break them,— tear them; do not amuse yourself in unravelling these criminal friendships; you must tear and rend them asunder; do not untie the knots, but break or cut them, so that the cords and strings may be rendered useless; do not enter into any compromise with a love which is so contrary to the love of God.

But after I have broken the chains of his infamous bondage there will still remain some vestiges: the marks and prints of the irons will still be imprinted in my feet; that is, my affections. No, Philothea, they will not, provided you have conceived as great a detestation of the evil as it deserves; you will now be excited with no other motion but that of an extreme horror for this base love and all its appendages, and will entertain no other affection towards the forsaken object but that of a pure charity, for God’s sake. But if through the imperfection of your repentance, there should yet remain in you any evil inclinations, procure a mental solitude for your soul, according to what I have taught you before, and retire thither as often as you can, and by a thousand reiterated ejaculations renounce all your criminal inclinations, and reject them with your whole force. Read pious and holy books with more than ordinary application; go to confession and communion more frequently; treat humbly and sincerely with your director, or some prudent and faithful friend, concerning all the suggestions and temptations of this kind which may befall you. And doubt not but God will deliver you from those criminal passions, provided you continue faithfully in these good exercises.

Ah, will it not be ingratitude to break off a friendship so unmercifully? Oh, how happy is that ingratitude which makes us pleasing to God! But no, Philothea, I tell you, in the name of God, this will be no ingratitude, but a great benefit, which you shall confer upon your lover; because, in breaking your own bonds asunder, you shall also break his, since they were common to you both; and though for the present he may not be sensible of his happiness, yet he will soon acknowledge it, and exclaim with you in thanksgiving: “O Lord, thou hast broken my bonds, I will sacrifice to thee a sacrifice of praise, and call upon thy holy name.” (Psalms 115:16,17)

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