Part III, Chapter XX

Of the Difference between True and Vain Friendships

Observe, Philothea, this important admonition. As the poisonous honey of Heraclea is so similar to the other that is wholesome, that there is great danger of mistaking the one for the other, or of taking them mixed together (for the goodness of the one cannot destroy the poison of the other); so he must stand upon his guard who would not be deceived in friendships, particularly when contracted betwixt persons of different sexes, under what pretext soever. The devil often effects a change in those that love; they begin with virtuous love, with which, if not attended to with the utmost discretion, fond love will begin to mingle itself, then sensual love, and afterwards carnal love; yea, there is even danger in spiritual love, if we are not extremely upon our guard; though in this it is more difficult to be imposed upon, because its purity and whiteness make the spots and stains which Satan seeks to mingle with it more apparent, and therefore when he takes this in hand he does it more subtilely, and endeavors to introduce impurities by almost insensible degrees.

You may distinguish worldly from holy friendship in the same manner as the poisonous honey of Heraclea is known from the other; for as the honey of Heraclea is sweeter than the ordinary honey, on account of the juice of the aconite, which gives it an additional flavor; so worldly friendship ordinarily produces a great profusion of endearing words, passionate expressions, with admiration of beauty, behavior, and other sensual qualities. Holy friendship, on the contrary, speaks a plain and sincere language, and commends nothing but virtue and the grace of God, the only foundation on which it subsists. As the honey of Heraclea, when swallowed, occasions a giddiness in the head, so false friendship produces a vertigo in the mind, which makes persons stagger in chastity and devotion, hurrying them on to affected, wanton, and immodest looks, sensual caresses, inordinate sighs, and ridiculous complaints of not being beloved, to a studied and enticing carriage, to gallantries, to interchanging of kisses, with other familiarities and indecent favors, the certain and unquestionable presages of the approaching ruin of chastity. But the looks of holy friendship are simple and modest; its caresses pure and sincere; its sighs are but for heaven; its familiarities are only spiritual; its complaints but when God is not beloved. These are infallible marks of a holy friendship. As the honey of Heraclea affects the sight, so this worldly friendship dazzles the judgment to such a degree, that they who are infected with it think they do well when they act wrongly, and believe their excuses and pretexts for two reasons: they fear the light, and love darkness. But holy friendship is clear-sighted, and never conceals herself, but appears willingly before those that are good. In fine, as the honey of Heraclea leaves a great bitterness in the mouth, so false friendships change into lewd and carnal words and demands; and, in case of refusal, into injuries, slanders, imposture, sadness, confusion, and jealousies, which often terminate in madness. Chaste friendship is always equally honest, civil, and amiable, and changes only into a purer union of spirits; a lively image of the blessed friendship existing in heaven.

St. Gregory Nazianzen says, that as the cry of the peacock, when he struts and spreads his feathers, excites the peahens to lust, so, when we see a man dressed in his best apparel, approaching to flatter, and whisper in the ears of a woman, without pretension to lawful marriage, then no doubt it is to incite her to impurity; and every virtuous woman will stop her ears against the cry of this peacock, the voice of this enchanter, who seeks thus subtilely to charm her; but, should she hearken to him, good God! what an ill presage of the future loss of her heart!

Young people who use gestures, glances, and caresses, or speak words in which they would not willingly be surprised by their fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, or confessors, testify hereby that they are treating of something contrary to honor and conscience. Our blessed Lady was troubled when she saw an angel in the shape of a man, because she was alone, and because he gave her extraordinary though heavenly praises. O Saviour of the world! if purity itself be afraid of an angel in the shape of a man, why should not impurity fear a man, even though he should come in the shape of an angel, especially when he praises her with sensual and earthly commendations?

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