Part III, Chapter XXII

Other Advices on Friendships

I have another important advice to give you on this subject. Friendship requires great communication between friends, otherwise it can neither grow nor subsist. Wherefore it often happens, that with this communication of friendship many other communications insensibly glide from one heart to another, by a mutual infusion and reciprocal intercourse of affections, inclinations, and impressions. This happens especially when we have a high esteem for him whom we love; for then we open our heart in such manner to his friendship that with it his inclinations and impressions, whether good or bad, enter rapidly. Certainly the bees, that gather the honey of Heraclea, seek nothing but honey; yet with the honey they insensibly suck the poisonous qualities of the aconite, from which they gather it. Good God! Philothea; on these occasions we must carefully practise what the Saviour of our souls was accustomed to say: “Be ye good bankers,” or changers of money; that is to say, “Receive not bad money with the good, nor base gold with the fine”; separate that which is precious from that which is vile; for there is scarcely any person that has not some imperfection. For why should we receive promiscuously the imperfections of a friend, together with his friendship? We must love him indeed, notwithstanding his imperfections; but we must neither love nor receive his imperfections; for friendship requires a communication of good, not of evil. Wherefore as they that draw gravel out of the river Tagus separate the gold which they find, to carry it away, and leave the sand on the banks; so they, who have the communication of some good friendship ought to separate it from the imperfections, and not suffer them to enter their souls. St. Gregory Nazianzen testifies, that many, loving and admiring St. Basil, were brought insensibly to imitate him, even in his outward imperfections, as in speaking slowly, and with his spirit abstracted and pensive, in the fashion of his beard, and in his gait. And we often see husbands, wives, children, and friends, who, having a great esteem for their friends, parents, husbands, and wives, acquire, either by condescension or imitation, a thousand little ill-humors in their communication of friendship. Now this should not be so by any means, for every one has evil inclinations enough of his own, without charging himself with those of others; and friendship is so far from requiring it, that, on the contrary, it obliges us mutually to aid and assist one another, in order to free ourselves from all kind of imperfections. We must, indeed, meekly bear with our friend in his imperfections; but we must not lead him into imperfections, much less imbibe his imperfections ourselves. But I speak only of imperfections; for, as to sins, we must neither occasion them, nor tolerate them in our friends. It is either a weak or a wicked friendship to behold our friend perish, and not to help him; — to see him die of an imposthume, and not dare to save his life by opening it with the lancet of correction. True and living friendship cannot subsist in the midst of sins. As the salamander extinguishes the fire in which he lies, so sin destroys the friendship in which it lodges. If it be but a transient sin, friendship will presently put it to flight by correction; but if it be habitual, and take up its habitation, friendship immediately perishes; for it subsists only upon the solid foundation of virtue. We must never, then, commit sin for the sake of friendship. A friend becomes an enemy when he would lead us to sin; and he deserves to lose his friend when he would destroy his soul. It is an infallible mark of false friendship to see it exercised towards a vicious person, be his sins of what kind soever; for, if he whom we love be vicious, without doubt our friendship is also vicious, since, seeing it cannot regard true virtue, it must needs be grounded on some frivolous virtue, or sensual quality. Society formed for traffic among merchants is but a shadow of true friendship; since it is not made for the love of the person, but for the love of gain.

Finally, the following divine sentences are two main pillars, upon which reposes a Christian life, the one is that of the wise man: “He that feareth God shall likewise have a good friendship”; the other is that of the Apostle St. James: “The friendship of this world is the enemy of God.”

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