Part III, Chapter XVIII

Of Fond Love

When these foolish friendships are maintained between persons of different sexes, without pretensions of marriage, they are called fond love; for being but embryos, or rather phantoms of friendship, they deserve not the name either of true friendship or true love, by reason of their excessive vanity and imperfection. Now, by means of these fondnesses, the hearts of men and of women are caught and entangled with each other in vain and foolish affections, based upon these frivolous communications and wretched complacencies of which I have been just speaking.

And although these dangerous loves, commonly speaking, terminate at last in carnality and downright lasciviousness, yet that is not the first design or intention of the persons between whom they pass; otherwise they would not be merely fond loves, but absolute impurities and uncleannesses. Sometimes even many years pass before anything directly contrary to the chastity of the body happens between them, whilst they content themselves with giving their hearts the pleasure of wishes, desires, sighs, amorous entertainments, and suchlike fooleries and vanities; and this upon different pretensions.

Some have no other design than to satisfy their hearts with loving and being loved, following in this their amorous inclination; and these regard nothing in the choice of their loves but their instinct: so that at the first meeting with an agreeable object, without examining the interior, or the comportment of the person, they begin this fond communication, and entangle themselves in these wretched nets, from which afterwards they find great difficulty to disengage themselves. Others suffer themselves to be carried to fond loves, by the vanity of esteeming it no small glory to catch and bind hearts by love. Now these aiming at glory in the choice they make set their net and lay their snares in specious, high, rare, and illustrious places. Others are led away at the same time, both by their amorous inclination and by vanity; for though their hearts be altogether inclined to love, yet they will not engage themselves in it without some advantage of glory. These loves are always criminal, foolish, and vain; criminal, because they end at length, and terminate in the sin of the flesh, and because they rob God, the wife and the husband, of that love, and consequently of that heart, which belonged to them; foolish, because they have neither foundation nor reason: vain, because they yield neither profit, honor, nor content; on the contrary, they are attended by a loss of time, are prejudicial to honor, and bring no other pleasure than that of an eagerness in pretending and hoping, without knowing what they would have, or to what they would make pretensions. For these wretched and weak minds still imagine they have something to expect from the testimonies which they receive of reciprocal love; but yet they cannot tell what this is; the desire of which can never end, but goes on continually, pressing their hearts with perpetual distrusts, jealousies, and disquietudes. St. Gregory Nazianzen, in his discourse, addressed indeed to vain women, but applicable also to men, says: “Thy natural beauty is sufficient for thy husband; but if it be for many men, like a net spread out for a flock of birds, what will be the consequence? He shall be pleasing to thee who shall please himself with thy beauty; thou wilt return him glance for glance, look for look; presently will follow smiles and little amorous words, dropped by stealth at the beginning, but soon after they will become more familiar, and pass to an open courtship. Take heed, my tongue! of telling what will follow: yet will I say this one truth: nothing of all those things which young men and women say and do together in these foolish complacencies is exempted from grievous stings. All the links of wanton loves depend on one another, and follow one another as one piece of iron, touched by the loadstone, draws many others after it.”

How wisely has this great bishop spoken! What is it you think to do? To give love? No; for no one gives love voluntarily, that does not receive it necessarily. He that catches in this chase is likewise caught himself. The herb aproxis receives and conceives fire as soon as it sees it: our hearts do the like: as soon as they see a soul inflamed with love for them they are presently inflamed with love for it. But some one will say, I am willing to entertain some of this love, but not too much. Alas! you deceive yourselves, the fire of love is more active and penetrating than you imagine: you think to receive but a spark, and will wonder to see it in a moment take possession of your whole heart, reduce all your resolutions to ashes, and your reputation to smoke. “Who will have pity on a charmer struck by a serpent?” (Ecclesiasticus 12:13) And I also, after the wise man, cry out, O foolish and senseless people! think you to charm love in such a manner as to be able to manage it at pleasure? You would play with it, but it will sting and torment you cruelly; and do you know that every one will mock and deride you for attempting to charm or tie down love, and on a false assurance put into your bosom a dangerous serpent, which has spoiled and destroyed both your soul and your honor?

Good God! what blindness is this, to play away thus at hazard, against such frivolous stakes, the principal power of our soul! Yes, Philothea, for God regards not man, but for his soul; nor his soul, but for his will; nor his will, but for his love. Alas! we have not near so much love as we stand in need of; I mean to say that we fall infinitely short of having sufficient wherewith to love God; and yet, wretches as we are, we lavish it away foolishly on vain and frivolous things, as if we had some to spare. Ah! this great God, who hath reserved to himself the whole love of our souls, in acknowledgment of our creation, preservation, and redemption, will exact a strict account of all these criminal deductions we make from it; for, if he will make so rigorous an examination into our idle words, how strictly will he not examine into our impertinent, foolish, and pernicious loves!

The walnut-tree is very prejudicial to the vines and fields wherein it is planted; because, being so large, it attracts all the moisture of the surrounding earth, and renders it incapable of nourishing the other plants; the leaves are also so thick that they make a large and close shade; and lastly, it allures the passengers to it, who, to beat down the fruit, spoil and trample upon all about it. These fond loves do the same injury to the soul, for they possess her in such manner, and so strongly draw her motions to themselves, that she has no strength left to produce any good work: the leaves, viz., their idle talk, their amusements, and their dalliance, are so frequent, that all leisure time is squandered away in them; and, finally, they engender so many temptations, distractions, suspicions, and other evil consequences, that the whole heart is trampled down and destroyed by them. In a word, these fond loves not only banish heavenly love, but also the fear of God from the soul; they waste the spirit and ruin reputation; they are the sport of courts, but the plague of hearts.

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