Part III, Chapter XVII

Of Friendship; First, of That Which Is Evil and Frivolous

Love holds the first place among the several passions of the soul; it is the sovereign of all the motions of the heart; it directs all the rest towards it, and makes us such as is the object of its love. Be careful, then, O Philothea! to entertain no evil love, for, if you do, you will presently become evil. Friendship is the most dangerous love of all; because other loves may be without communication; but friendship, being wholly grounded upon it, we can hardly hold a communication of friendship with any person without partaking of its qualities.

All love is not friendship; for when one loves without being again beloved, then there is love, but not friendship; because friendship is a communication of love, therefore, where love is not mutual, there can be no friendship. Nor is it enough that it be mutual, but the parties that love each other must know their mutual affection, for, if they know it not, they have love, but not friendship. There must be also some kind of communication between them, which may be the ground of friendship. Now, according to the diversity of the communications, the friendship also differs, and the communications are different according to the variety of the things which they communicate to each other; if they be false and vain, the friendship is also false and vain; if they be true, the friendship is likewise true; and the more laudable the goods may be the more laudable also is the friendship. For as that honey is best which is gathered from the blossom of the most exquisite flowers, so that love which is founded upon the most exquisite communication is the most noble. And as there is honey in Heraclea of Pontus, which is poisonous, and deprives those of reason that eat it, because it is gathered from the aconite, which abounds in that country; even so the friendship, grounded upon the communication of false and vicious goods, is altogether false and vicious.

The communication of carnal pleasures is a mutual inclination and brutish allurement, which can no more bear the name of friendship among men than that of beasts for the like effects; and if there was no other communication in marriage there would be no friendship at all, but because, besides that, there is a communication in matrimony of life, of industry, of goods, of affections, and of an indissoluble fidelity, therefore the friendship of matrimony is a true and holy friendship. A friendship that is grounded on the communication of sensual pleasures is utterly gross, and unworthy of the name of friendship; and so is that which is founded on virtues which are frivolous and vain; because these virtues also depend on the senses. I call those pleasures sensual which are immediately and principally annexed to the exterior senses; such as the pleasure to behold a beautiful person, to hear a sweet voice, to touch, and the like. I call certain vain endowments and qualities frivolous accomplishments, which weak minds call virtues and perfections. Observe how the greater part of silly maids, women, and young people talk; they hesitate not to say: Such a gentleman has many virtues and perfections, for he dances gracefully, he plays well at all sorts of games, he dresses fashionably, he sings delightfully, speaks eloquently, and has a fine appearance; it is thus that mountebanks esteem those, in their way, the most virtuous who are the greatest buffoons.

But as all these things regard the senses, so the friendships which proceed from them are termed sensual, vain, and frivolous, and deserve rather the name of foolish fondness than of friendship; such are the ordinary friendships of young people which are grounded on curled locks, a fine head of hair, smiling glances, fine clothes, affected countenances, and idle talk; a friendship suited to the age of those lovers whose virtue is, as yet, only in the blossom, and their judgment in the bud; and, indeed, such amities being but transitory, melt away like snow in the sun.

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